The abrupt absence of his upper meds + Proust’s abuse ((which was an ongoing and escalating thing throughout Andrew’s stay)) + the pains of withdrawal + the ugly realization that he still hadn’t been strong enough to stop Drake ((never mind the concussion that tipped the balance in Drake’s favor)) + the knowledge that now everyone knew his business = Andrew’s time at Easthaven was pretty much spent at rock solid bottom.

Andrew was assigned four doctors during his stay. The other three were decent human beings & good therapists, but with Proust’s poison in the mix and Andrew’s general unwillingness to talk to doctors, there wasn’t much they could do for him. It took him twelve doctors before he found Bee, after all, and he was still in the process of learning to trust her with the small issues. Andrew should’ve gone through his withdrawal & recovery with her, not these faceless strangers with their interested, concerned stares and boring offices. Andrew treated Easthaven like a prison and the doctors like his guards, and as soon as his head had leveled out a bit he was as uncooperative as it was possible to be. A mindset like that didn’t leave room for improvement or peace.

His release was contingent on him showing measurable progress, but luckily Andrew started at such a fiercely deep low that it didn’t take much to appear better. He’s “luckier” that Proust followed Riko’s lead and could talk the others into releasing Andrew at the end of winter break. The others weren’t entirely convinced it was time yet, but Proust pressed the importance of normalcy and a support network and Andrew’s family. He won the argument in part because Andrew had mentioned Bee to all of his therapists more than once and in part because Andrew had designed a rigorous exercise regime for himself during his stay. If these were the things Andrew needed to lean on – a doctor he trusted and a fitness program, they would follow Proust’s lead and send Andrew back to the Foxes.

Andrew came back from Easthaven with more poison in him than he’d gone in with. He didn’t plan on doing any healing then or ever, but the first steps started without his knowledge or consent when he came back to PSU —- seeing Neil had kept his promise to say, finding Kevin marginally unharmed, seeing Aaron released on his recognizance, seeing Bee for the first time without his medication in the way. Andrew did not expect these moments to mean anything, but they were turning points all the same, and proof that life was not always the violent let-down he’d come to know it as. It was a hint that maybe things could be okay, and when Andrew finally stops expecting the other shoe to drop, he’ll learn to let a little poison go.

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“wasn’t fair”? you lot are all the same, relying on the concept of “fair”

what good does it do me to cry unfair except to draw attention to what could have been and never was, to create and inflame the idea of what is unacceptable, to draw the line between what can and cannot be lived with

you encourage the idea because these other sheep will react and respond to it, because they can disavow all responsibility on the matter and take up arms against the system that has supposedly wronged them, the life that has supposedly dealt them a sour hand

you fund an impossible war because the war funds you, and I have neither the time nor the stomach for these games

this session is over